It's So Difficult

It's so difficult to see you shivering and resist the urge to hug you.

It's so difficult to hear you say that it's cold so many times and resist the urge to hand you my jacket.


It's so difficult to stand behind you and not throw my arms over you.

It's so difficult not to stare at you and tell you how much I feel about you.

It's so difficult to see you walk away and resist the urge to follow you out.

It's so difficult to look at my phone and resist the temptation to text you.

Every time I think of you, every time I feel something for you, I imitate the motion of ripping my heart out, hoping that the feeling would disappear. However, even after hundreds of times, that feeling remains.

It hurts so much to know that I can stand with you but not be with you.
It hurts so much to stand beside you and not able to hold your hand.
It hurts so much to see you staring at others but me.
It hurts so much to see you get bogged down with so much work.
It hurts so much to know that you don't see me the way I see you.

It's just so difficult and it hurts so much. Sometimes, I would wish that I am emotionless - that I don't feel. If only I am a machine...

Note to Self

Note to self:

Don't fall for the people who won't fall for you.

if you do, you should remember Fall 2011

Signed,
Max (yourself)

Wondering

Sometimes, I really do wonder......does she really like me too? it's really hard to tell because I'm never sure if she was staring at me or at my general direction. Then again, these few days, she's been sitting beside me more often.

Sometimes, I would hope that when we go to the same club meeting or just hanging out with friend, we would have some time where it's just her and I.....and maybe I can tell her how I feel and ask her if she feels the same.

Sometimes, I will have images in my head where she and I are together.

Sometimes, I will have images in my head where she'll tell me that she just wants to be friends.

After all, I can never imagine anyone liking me more than a friend...




on a side note, i'm not as smart as i would like to think. haih....

Most Likely Overthinking It

I think i'm most likely overthinking it. After all, I'm Malaysian and she's American. It's highly possible that she likes another one in the group that's smarter, more hardworking, more mature I am and knows more things than I do.

but...

I constantly have to fight the urge to hug her when I see her feeling cold.

I constantly have to fight the urge to ask her if she needs anything when she doesn't look fine.

I constantly have to stop myself from texting her asking how she is.

All because it will be awkward if I told her that I like her and get rejected. Either one of us might end up not eating with the lunch group anymore.....I don't want that to happen since it's my last year being in Riddle. :/

Sometimes, I feel like asking her out to the beach, telling her how I feel. Sometimes, I feel like that's the dumbest idea I could have ever thought of. Sometimes, I wish when we go for a dinner as a group, it would end up only her and I in my car so that I might nudge the question across. Sometimes, I would tell myself that it would never happen.

Funny how I can tell if two person like each other, but never if anyone likes me. I guess I know how I look like and no one would like me more than a friend. :/




on a side note, sprained my ankle after so many years of "invulnerability".

Feelings From Before, Am I Overthinking It?

Feelings from before began to resurface,
little by little putting me in a daze,
each time i see her my heart skipped a beat,
but at the same time it soured a little bit.

am i overthinking the situation?
by indulging myself in such sensation?
am i actually getting a chance?
or is it just as simple as a dance?

i caught her looking at me a couple of times,
but it could be the distance she's staring at those times,
it could be just something on her mind,
something that in her life went out of line.

but there was that one time,
where her eyes looked into mine,
i felt a sudden rush of feelings,
like my heart was melting,
like she wanted me to ask her to stay,
like there was something she wanted to say.

i was dumbfounded, it was quite a surprise,
before i could react, she had said good bye,
i pretend nothing happen, put my car into gear,
i turned out slowly, my eyes locked onto her.

i felt a little down, i thought i have failed,
but just last night, it was quite a deal,
i was sitting behind, away from her sight,
but there she was, like a spotlight.

for a moment, light drawn away from the others,
for a moment, only us where no one would bother,
at that point, i turned away,
afraid to indulge, afraid to say.

i fear what i thought would be an illusion,
that it was a mistake of massive proportion,
i fear to break the friendship of so many years,
that it would be awkward to work with her.

feelings from before, am i overthinking it?

on a side note, i need to focus on my homework and projects. :/

It's Funny How...

It's funny how I waited

and waited

and waited

and when it finally happened,

I just let it whiz by me.

oh well...

if I'm that lucky,

I wouldn't even need to worry

on a side note, cheesebaked rice is good......but needed a different kind of cheese. :P

Levain Dinner

went out for a dinner with a friend. for some reason, it felt more like a date then a simple dinner. lol. we both chatted till we completely forgotten about the time....and even forgot to order the cakes which the cafe is famous for. oh well, at least it was fun chatting with her. it's been a while since i felt excited going out with a friend. hahahahaha



on a side note, i'm going back to daytona beach in 2 days. :/